Dear Me

I celebrated another birthday last Tuesday and thought I'd re-post an entry from my old blog. It seems to sum up my life in the last decade. ;) Enjoy a blast from the past!

To my 20 year-old self,

You just spent the past summer with JD, and although the daily flowers and love notes have been wonderful, you’re going to break up in a few months. You won’t know why you’re doing it, and you’ll second guess yourself. It will come as a surprise to everyone, especially JD. You’ll know you did the right thing when you find out his promise of going to school will end up being a complete lie. He’ll eventually meet someone else, get married, have a couple of kids and follow in his Dad’s footsteps of hopping from one get-rich scheme to the next--just like we thought would happen. You try your best to focus on school, and hope you didn't throw away your only chance. You’re broken heart will mend, and while it's mending...please don’t eat the chicken!!! You’re roommate Saundra, will get a job at KFC and will bring home fried chicken and macaroni and cheese every night, along with the occasional chocolate cake. I know you’ll want to bond with your roomies over a bucket of grease and cheesy noodles, but trust me on this one, just say no.

Moving to a new place the next year will be the BEST decision you ever make. Even though you don’t know anyone, you will meet Jeff. The first date you go on, you’ll know that you were meant to be with him. The only person you tell that to is your journal, and yes, you’ll get to dance with him again, and again, and again....!!! When he slips an engagement ring on your finger on the top 0f the Space Needle, you’ll be so giddy and excited that when you get the crazy idea to drive past the Seattle Temple you’ll get lost, and drive past it 4 times. Don’t worry, you’ll find your way there--just not until your wedding day--and it will be everything you hoped for. There is no place more beautiful than the Temple and as you kneel across the alter from Jeff you will know that this is how your life was supposed to begin.

As you get closer to graduation, please study for your online course final. If you can’t do that, at least read the book. It will really help. Learn to love the couches, because they’re around for a long time. Don’t get Jeff a gift-card for Valentines day and don’t cry when he gets you a pair of shoes and has to take a final that day. Really, don’t do it, you’ll regret it. Try not to compare yourself, or your marriage to others. You know the newlywed couple that has the grand piano, matching dishes, and a home that looks like a magazine cover? Try to see the good in them. They’re everywhere.

I know you’ve always wanted to move back east. You get close when you move to Kentucky--you move into the Eastern time zone at least--to help put Jeff through Dental School. You put your college degree to good use and teach at a private school for learning disabled children. You end up teaching for longer than you anticipated, but it turns out to be the best thing that ever happens to you. You grow up. There will be bad days, and difficult students. But there will be lessons learned, friendships made and cherished, and a new understanding for those young and old who face challenges in their lives, but learn to overcome them. We all have them it turns out...even you.

For some reason, you knew from the very beginning that starting a family would be difficult. It turns out you were right. I’m not going to try to sugar-coat it for you, because you hate that. You will feel like it’s your fault, Jeff will feel like it’s his. It’s no one’s. The doctor’s will tell you it will happen because you’re so young, but you know deep down it won’t. To make matters worse you’re surrounded by all things baby so the pain is renewed afresh with every announcement and shower. I will just sit here with you. I will cry with you. I will grieve with you. I will let you stumble through the pain, because it turns out that is exactly what you need. I want to thank you in advance for never losing faith, even though there will be days when you wonder if there is anything left to hope for. The Master of the vineyard has decided that you need some pruning. I know it hurts and that you’re not looking your best right now, but the re-growth will be more beautiful and glorious than you can imagine!

You and your barrenness will move to a place you consider desolate and unfruitful, just like yourself. Some things are not what they always appear to be however. You've always tried to bloom where you've been planted, and this new place is no different. It just takes a little longer to get used to. Jeff will fall in love with a puppy, and so will you. You’ll discover that although you forgot to pack all your friends from Kentucky in your Penske, and are really missing them, there’s room in your heart for different kinds of friends. You’ll get to wear braces for a few months, work in the dental office, and teach in the Primary. Jeff will become Dave Ramsey’s biggest fan, his golf clubs will begin to collect dust, and he will become a father!!! That means yes...you will become a mother!!!

Your life will be consumed with sleepless nights, dirty diapers, spit-up, giggles, chubby tummies, first steps, baby hugs and kisses, story time, and Music Makers. When you look at her you won’t see your golden curls, or Jeff’s thick, long lashes. But when you hold her for the first time, you will recognize her spirit. She is yours. The glimpses of eternity that you will be privy to will melt the bitterness and replace it with peace. And we both know that is the best gift we could ever receive.

Just as you enter the throes of toddler-hood, you and Jeff put your papers in for a second baby. To be blessed twice over is more than you think you deserve, but you've felt her and know she is coming. The email you and Jeff have been waiting for comes after a small glitch. When you meet them a few weeks later you know. One month later you kiss her cheeks for the first time, gaze at her while she sleeps, and feel complete. She too, is yours. You thought you had the whole mom thing figured out, but adding another one brings new challenges, feelings, and pressures. As you work through them, try to be kinder to yourself. Of course you're not perfect. Who is? We're all works in progress. Be patient, and know that with time, love, and lots of prayer, things will work out. They always do. Always.

Love,

Me